Letter to the MOM



A mother enters her daughter's bedroom and sees a letter on the wall over the bed.

With the worst premonition, she reads it, with trembling hands:

"It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm telling you that I eloped with my new boyfriend.

I found real passion and he is so nice, with all his piercing and tattoos and his big motorcycle, But is not only that Mom, I'm pregnant and tom said that we will very happy in his trailer in the woods.

He wants to have many more children with me and that's one of my dreams.

I've learned that marijuana doesn't hurt anyone and he'll be growing it for us and his friends, who are providing us with all the cocaine and ecstasy we may want.

In the meantime, we'll pray for the science to find the AIDS cure, for tom to get better, he deserves it.

Don't worry Mom, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself.

Someday I'll visit for you to know your grandchildren.

Your daughter,
Judith

PS:
Mom, it's not true.

I'm at the neighbor's house.

I just wanted to show you that there are worst this in life than my report card that's in the desk drawer.

Chuck Norris's IT skills



Chuck Norris can edit PDF files

Chuck Norris rips CDs with his hands

Chuck Norris can download Metallica mp3s using Napster

Chuck Norris has a yahoo account with hotmail

Chuck Norris has an Intel CPU on an AMD motherboard

Chuck Norris has to chain his mouse to his desktop

Chuck Norris can program a MAC with excel macros

Chuck Norris website has never had a hit - Nobody hits Chuck Norris’ website

Chuck Norris invented C++ after roundhouse kicking C - TWICE

Chuck Norris is the Domain controller

Chuck Norris has the IP 0.0.0.0

Chuck Norris is mailer-daemon

Chuck Norris is Dr Watson

Chuck Norris monitor has no glare… no-one glares at Chuck Norris

format c: is the request to have Chuck Norris come roundhouse kick your PC

Chuck Norris has Windows XP on his Apple MAC

Chuck Norris never gets the page cannot be displayed error

Machine code is another name for Chuck Norris language

Chuck Norris CPU doesn’t have a fan

Chuck Norris can write DVDs on floppy drive

Chuck Norris invented the internet

Chuck Norris can paste pics in Notepad

Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked his 14400k modem & that’s how we got ADSL

Chuck Norris’s Dot matrix printer prints photos - in colour

Chuck Norris uses Notepad for a database

Chuck Norris’ PC speaker gives him 7.1 DTS surround sound

First year law student

I was driving on Beach Boulevard behind an ancient guy in a beat up truck.

He decides to turn in front of me without a blinker.

I accelerate to swerve and avoid him, and this, overaerobicized woman jumps in front of my car with her hand up.

She proceeds to yell in my window, "Hey, slow down you idiot!" I'm a well-bred, mellow guy by nature, so I ignore this.

As I drive away, she yells, "*******" at me again. Twice? I turn around and drive up next to her.

"Do you have a problem?" I ask.

"Yeah, why are you driving like an idiot?"

"I was driving like an idiot? How, exactly."

"You were speeding. I watched you."

"You were? I see. How did you measure my speed?" (Ever the interrogator, I am.)

"I heard you."

"So, you measured my speed by ear?"

"I can hear."

"How fast did you HEAR me going?"

"Look," she says, "I don't have to take this. Here comes a cop. I'll wave him down."

THE POLICE? This woman is a trip. She waves him down, and proceeds to tell him that she observed me speeding.

"What happened?" he asks. I told him the story, and told him that I accelerated to an indicated 33 mph (the speed limit is 35) to avoid a collision.

"Are those mufflers legal?" Ethel asks.

She's pushing it. I reply, "I have a C.A.R.B. exemption for them." I give the paperwork to the cop.

She tries to find another thing to screw me with. She says "What about those big tires? They CAN'T be legal." I began feeling little overheated gears in the back of my head start to turn.

"These tires were available on the 1970 Boss 429, "I told the cop," Which makes them street legal as a replacement."

Ethel gets angry. She whines, "So you're not going to give out any tickets to this ******?"

The cop says, "No, I am not."

I've about had it. So I say, "Sir, this woman told you that she left the street at the corner, and she met up with my car here. According to Title 39, pedestrians have to cross the street at a right angle. This woman admitted she crossed at a 45-degree angle, which is a ticketable offense."

"What?" The cop looks confused.

"Also, she told you that she walked in front of my car to stop me. A citizen can't detain someone without probable cause, under Terry v. Ohio (my new favorite case). Since she couldn't measure my speed, she had no probable cause to detain me. That is an indictable offense."

The cop says, "But, I didn't see any of this."

"But," I said, "I did, and, as an officer of the Court, I can demand her arrest. I'll agree to dismiss the Illegal Detention charge, but I want her cited for not crossing at a right angle and Hazardous Conduct on a Public Street."

The cop called his Lieutenant, and after the cop told the story, he authorized the summonses.

She went home with $215.00 worth of traffic tickets, and they are worth a total of four points against her license, as well as the appropriate insurance surcharge!  

Short stories with moral lessons

A little bird was flying south for the Winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.

The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

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An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?"

The eagle answered, "Sure , why not."

So the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested.
All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

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A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull.
"They're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

Chuck norris jokes

Chuck Norris makes onions cry.

Chuck Norris can delete the Recycling Bin.

Bill Gates lives in constant fear that Chuck Norris' PC will crash.

Ghosts are actually caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than Death can process them.

Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.

Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.

Chuck Norris can drown a fish.

Chuck Norris can play the violin with a piano

When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.

Chuck Norris once had a heart attack; his heart lost.

When Chuck Norris looks in a mirror the mirror shatters, because not even glass is stupid enough to get in between Chuck Norris and Chuck Norris.

Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre even further.

The last digit of pi is Chuck Norris. He is the end of all things.

Chuck Norris does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.

Bullets dodge Chuck Norris.

A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd, no one fools Chuck Norris.

If you spell Chuck Norris wrong on Google it doesn't say, "Did you mean Chuck Norris?" It simply replies, "Run while you still have the chance."

Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.

Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris' leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.

When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.

Chuck Norris doesn't have hair on his testicles, because hair does not grow on steel.

Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.

Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever he wants.

There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up.

Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

Chuck Norris has a deep and abiding respect for human life… unless it gets in his way.

It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.

Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, “Bang!”

In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.

Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because Chuck Norris only recognizes the element of surprise.

Chuck Norris got his drivers license at the age of 16 Seconds.

With the rising cost of gasoline, Chuck Norris is beginning to worry about his drinking habit.

The square root of Chuck Norris is pain. Do not try to square Chuck Norris, the result is death.

When you say “no one’s perfect”, Chuck Norris takes this as a personal insult.

Weird questions

01.If all the nations in the world are in debt(i am not joking. Even US has got debts), where did all the money go? (weird).

02.When dog food is new with improved tasting, who tests it? (to be given a thought).

03.What is the speed of darkness? (absurd).

04.If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of that stuff? (very good thinking).

05.Who copyrighted the copyright symbol? (who knows).

06.Can you cry under water? (let me try).

07.Why do people say, "you've been working like a dog" when dogs just sit around all day? (I think they meant something else).

08.Why are the numbers on a calculator and a phone reversed? (God knows.)

09.Do fish ever get thirsty? (let me ask and tell).

10.Can you get cornered in a round room? (by ones eyes).

11.What does OK actually mean?.

12.Why do birds not fall out of trees when they sleep? (tonight I will stay and watch).

13.What came first, the fruit or the color orange? (seed).

14.What should one call a male ladybird? (No comments).

15.If a person suffered from amnesia and then was cured would they remember that they forgot? (can somebody help).

16.Can you blow a balloon up under water? (yes you can).

17.Why is it called a "building" when it is already built? (strange isn't it).

18.If you were traveling at the speed of sound and you turned on your radio would you be able to hear it? (got to think scientifically).

19.If you're traveling at the speed of light and you turn your headlights on, what happens? (I didn't had a chance to try).

20.Why is it called a TV set when theres only one? (very nice).

21.If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth? (this is nice?).

22.Why do most cars have speedometers that go up to at least 130 when you legally can't go that fast on any road? (stupid, break the law).

Funny Q's and A's

Q. How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it? 

A. Concrete floors are very hard to crack!

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Q. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?

A. No time at all it is already built.

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Q. Approximately how many birthdays does the average Japanese woman have?

A. Just one. All the others are anniversaries.

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Q. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in the other hand, what would you have?

A. Very large hands.

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Q. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?

A. It is not a problem, since you will never find an elephant with one hand.

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Q. How can a man go eight days without sleep?

A. He sleeps at night.

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Q. Why it is impossible to send a telegram to Washington today?

A: Because he is dead.

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Q. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become?

A: It becomes wet.

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Q. What often falls but never gets hurt?

A : Rain

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Q. What is that no man ever saw which never was but always will be?

A : TOMORROW

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Q. What looks like half apple?

A : The other half.

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Q. What can you never eat for breakfast?

A : Dinner.

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Q. What gets wet with drying?

A : A towel

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Q. What 3 letters change a girl into a woman?

A : AGE.

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Q. What happened when wheel was invented?

A : It caused a revolution.

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Q. Why is it easy to weigh a fish?

A : Because it has its own scales.

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Q. Why does a bike rest on its leg?

A : Because it is too tyred.

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Q. Bay of Bengal is in which state

A : liquid

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Really mean insults

1. Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent!

2. He is dark and handsome. When it's dark, he's handsome.

3. As an outsider, what do you think of the human race?

4. I'd like to kick you in the teeth, but why should I improve your looks?

5. At least there's one thing good about your body. It isn't as ugly as your face! 

6. Brains aren't everything. In fact, in your case they're nothing

7. Careful now, don't let your brains go to your head!

8. I like you. People say I've no taste, but I like you.

9. Did your parents ever ask you to run away from home?

10. If I had a face like yours. I'd sue my parents!

11. Any similarity between you and a human is purely coincidental!

12. Don't get insulted, but is your job devoted to spreading ignorance?

13. Keep talking, someday you'll say something intelligent!

14. Don't you love nature, despite what it did to you?

15. Don't think, it may sprain your brain!

16. Fellows like you don't grow from trees; they swing from them.

17. He has a mechanical mind. Too bad he forgot to wind it up this morning.

18. He has a mind like a steel trap, always closed!

19. You are a man of the world and you know what sad shape the world is in.

20. He is always lost in thought it's unfamiliar territory.

21. Are you always so stupid or is today a special occasion?

22. He is known as a miracle comic. if he's funny, it's a miracle!

23. He is listed in Who's Who as What's That?

24. He is living proof that man can live without a brain!

25. He is so short, when it rains he is always the last one to know.

26. He is the kind of a man that you would use as a blueprint to build an idiot.

27. How come you're here? I thought the zoo is closed at night!

28. How did you get here? Did someone leave your cage open?

29. How much refund do you expect on your head now that it's empty.

30. How would you like to feel the way you look? 

31. Hi! I'm a human being! What are you?

32. I can't talk to you right now; tell me, where will you be in the next 10 years?

33. I don't want you to turn the other cheek; it's just as ugly.

34. I don't know who you are, but whatever you are, I'm sure everyone will agree with me.

35. I don't know what makes you so stupid, but it really works.

36. I could make a monkey out of you, but why should I take all the credit?

37. I can't seem to remember your name, and please don't help me!

38. I don't even like the people you're trying to imitate, if you are at all.

39. I know you were born silly, but why did you have a relapse?

40. I know you're a self-made man. It's nice of you to take the blame!

41. I know you're not as stupid as you look. Nobody could be!

42. I've seen people like you, but I had to pay admission!

43. Why are you so stupid today? Anyway, I think that's very typical of you.

44. Do u practice being this ugly?

Sarcastic Quotes

• You are not as bad as people say, you are much, much worse.
• Now we know why some animals eat their own children.
• Please, keep talking. I always yawn when I am interested.
• Talk is cheap, but that's ok, so are you.
• If we killed everybody who hates you, it wouldn't be murder…it would be an apocalypse!
• This is an excellent time for you to become a missing person.
• I'm busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?
• When I look into your eyes, I see straight through to the back of your head.
• A sharp tongue does not mean you have a keen mind.
• Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn't have given you any worse advice.
• Are you always this stupid or are you making a special effort today.
• Do you want me to accept you as you are, or do you want me to lie to myself and try to like you?
• Don't let your mind wander, it's far too small to be let out on its own.
• Don't thank me for insulting you, it was a pleasure.
• Don't you realize that there are enough people to hate in the world already without you putting in so much effort to give us another?
• He always finds himself lost in thought; it's unfamiliar territory.
• I bet you get bullied a lot.
• I can tell that you are lying, your lips are moving.
• I don't know what makes you so dumb but it really works.
• I don't mind you talking so much, as long as you don't mind me not listening.
• I don't think you are a fool, but what's my opinion compared to that of thousands of others.
• I know you are nobody's fool, but maybe someone will adopt you one day.
• I like you. People say I've got no taste, but I like you.
• I used to think that you were a colossal pain in the neck. Now I have a much lower opinion of you.
• I will defend, to your death, my right to my opinion.
• I would have liked to insult you, but the sad truth is that you wouldn't understand me.
• I'd like to see things from your point of view, but I can't seem to get my head that far up your ass.
• If you were twice as smart as you are now, you'd be absolutely stupid.
• I'm glad to see you're not letting your education get in the way of your ignorance.
• I'm impressed, I've never met such a small mind inside such a big head before.
• I've come across rotting bodies that are less offensive than you are.
• Pardon me, but you're obviously mistaking me for someone who gives a damn.
• People would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.
• She's the first in her family born without tail.
• That man is cruelly depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
• There are several people in this world that I find unbearably obnoxious, and you are all of them.
• What he is lacking in intelligence, he more than makes up for in stupidity.
• Whatever it is that is eating you, it must be suffering horribly.
• What's wrong, don't you get any attention back home?
• You are not even beneath my contempt.
• You are not obnoxious like so many other people, you are obnoxious in a completely different and far worse way.
• You grow on people, but so does cancer.
• You have an inferiority complex and it is fully justified.
• You should do some soul-searching. You might just find one.
• You would never be able to live down to your reputation, but I see you're doing your best.
• Your mind isn't so much twisted as badly sprained.
• You're a habit I'd like to kick - with both feet.

sarcastic one liners

• I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

• I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.

• Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

• If I throw a stick, will you leave?

• Does your train of thought have a caboose?

• Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

• Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

• Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

• See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.

• Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

• A woman's favorite position is CEO.

• I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

• A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

• Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

• Can I trade this job for what's behind door number 1?

• I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

• Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

• Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I'm wrong.

• Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

• Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.

• Never trust a dog to watch your food.

• Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.

• If At First You Don't Succeed, Blame Someone Else And SeekCounseling.

• You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me.